Josie at Sleep is for the Weak published this post on 13 June, 2011...
Dear You,
You’re not feeling good tonight, are you? The kind of not-good Mood that has a habit of shuffling around after you most of the day, lurking just out of sight when you’ve turned to try and pin it down. It’s hidden itself in grey skies and sore limbs and a head that ached but you didn’t know why. And then, come evening, it’s pounced, grinning, gleeful, into your lap, all pointy elbows and sharp, digging little heels. Here I am, it said, surprise!
So, yes, you and your Mood, sat now in your bed, and it’s so wrapped up in you, you’re not sure where you end and it begins. And so begins that interminable wrestle for control.
“Oh come on, just give me my body at least, look, there’s lots of room, can’t you just sit a bit further away? Take your hands off my face, off my heart, don’t put your fingers in there, leave my brain alone, look, I’m trying to concentrate, okay? I have things to do, I have better things to do than listen to you, you talk such crap anyway. Oh! For goodness sake, stop getting in the WAY, I can’t see what I’m doing. Look, just FUCK OFF will you?”
And so forth – that’s how its goes, isn’t it?
Well, miss, I’m here to tell you something. I’m giving you the night off. Off everything. Off fighting, at least. Because do you know what? You’ve kept that little pain in the cranium at bay this last couple of weeks, every time it’s come slinking up, you’ve managed something to shake it off. Little side-steps of new ideas, and enthusiasm, and humour; hop-scotching over the bad stuff with an old, familiar bounce. But you’re tired, my dear. Tonight you are tired. And it’s nobody’s fault really, perhaps you didn’t make the best of today, but it is hard for anyone to feel motivated or enjoy their own company when the rain is chasing itself down the window the whole day long, in an effort to get away from itself. Let’s just chalk this one off, okay? Let’s let the Mood win this one.
Give the Mood a marker pen and let it fill your walls with worries. You’ll soon see how silly they are. I bet they wouldn’t fill up half as much space as you think they would. And it I bet you’ll find it gets fed-up, writing such repetitive nonsense, and that pretty soon it will end up back to doodling flowers with funny faces and trees wearing hats, and writing silly, sarcastic jokes in 140 characters that make you giggle, despite yourself.
Sod the should-have-done’s for the day – they’re quite capable of keeping themselves amused for a bit. And all that pressure, and self-imposed guilt, and oh, don’t forget the not-good-enoughs… dump them, all of them. Don’t bother sorting them out or working our what they mean. Sling them with your clothes on the floor or on the back of a chair. No-one will know. Don’t bother cleaning your make-up off, either, or any other mask you feel like you should wear. Let them imprint themselves on your pillow while your sleep. Maybe their shapes will make more sense in the morning, or maybe not.
Put the tangled knitting down, because for every knot you untangle, you’re just ending up with one in your shoulders. Yes, even the knitting has to go tonight.
Give the Mood the nice pillow, the one with extra fluff, let it get real comfy. And instead of running around a labyrinth of real-life worries, trying to escape, let you and your Mood play with them in the dark.
Play who is the more miserable. Play who is the ugliest. Play what bit of you hurts the most. Play pin the Doubts on all Hope. Kick that Mood’s arse in a competitive-misery tournament. It wants whiny and pathetic? Do it til it oozes from you, in one great Victor Meldrew-esque sketch show til you’re laughing at your own ridiculousness.
I give you, my dearest, silly, lovable girl, permission, to embrace the biggest, baddest, most crushing mood you’ve seen in ages. I give you permission not to be brave, or inspiring, or motivated, or forward-moving. I give you permission to sit and wallow.
I reckon in ten minutes you’ll be bored and asleep.
Night night. Tomorrow, whether you like it or not, is a brand new day.
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