Do you ever wish you had never had children? Note From Lapland

Note From Lapland published this post on 13 April, 2011...

A house made of wood, a soft breeze billowing the cream curtains inwards, filling the spotless room with the tangy scent of the sea and the lone cry of a gull. The gentle crashing of waves plays as background music as you step out of your patio doors and sink your toes into the hot, white sand. Not a care in the world, completely alone. Bliss.

Or perhaps yours is a busy city somewhere, the rush and crush of people as you fly home from your high powered job, expensive shoes clicking on the pavement, your mind a whirl with the evenings party plans. You let yourself in to your immaculate 10th floor apartment, no time to admire the stunning view, just enough time for a hot, peaceful bubble bath before getting ready for a night of adult company, fun, good food and wine.

Whatever the finer details, we all have one, I’m sure. A fantasy life. A ‘what if’ life.

A life with no children, no other half, no mess, constant cleaning, cooking and laundry. No stray pieces of LEGO being embedded in our feet or playing second fiddle to other people’s plans.

A life where our needs and desires come first. A life in which we can indulge the ultimate parenting fantasy: what if I had just kept my knickers on?

It may be the briefest of moments. A fleeting spell of claustrophobia. A momentary rebellion against the walls of marriage and parenthood we’ve built around ourselves, but we all have them, don’t we?

Sometimes I wonder.

Whenever I’ve asked people, given voice to the words ‘Do you ever wish you didn’t have children? Do you ever, just for a moment, wish you didn’t have this life?’ I’ve received only blank looks or indulgent smiles.

And then the paranoia sets it.

Does everyone else really enjoy family life and everything it brings? Do they never have those moments where they flop exhausted onto the sofa, stare at the mess and destruction around them, and wonder where their real life went, what happened to the real them?

I know I’m not alone in this.

You do have them, don’t you?

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