Hannah/Muddling Along published this post on 25 January, 2010...
I have made no secret of the fact that I would like another baby.
On a pure emotional level, for some reason, I don’t feel that my family is finished.
On a more hard headed level, I worry about how we would cope with another difficult pregnancy, about how we would cope with another dose of the newborn hell and about how we would cope with three rather than two.
We’ve got ourselves to a place where we have agreed I’m going to go out and have a lot of fun, to get the ‘me’ back before we consider doing it again – we recognise that two so close together was hard, that emotionally the last three years have taken an awful lot out of us and there is a need for a pause before going down the baby path again.
Unfortunately my body didn’t get that memo, the one where we set this all out.
Unfortunately my body decided that it would do its own thing and have a go at seeing what would happen. Because you see we weren’t trying, we just weren’t not trying and if you’re only having the occasional roll in the hay, it seems churlish to stop mid roll to sort out contraception. I know, we really should know better.
Except you see, I have a short luteal phase so the only times I’ve got and stayed pregnant were with a bit of assistance from my favourite acupuncturist.
That’s a phase I never thought I’d write.
But to cut a long story short after a set of bad experiences with cheapy early pregnancy tests getting my hopes up (you know, the ones you can buy in bulk without any frills and stuff, the ones where you don’t mind testing a million times because it still costs less than the price of one bog standard test) and then slightly late and heavier periods, I decided not to test until I was absolutely sure I was pregnant. With Bigger this meant I had a spent a day throwing up before Mr suggested it was time to test, and then I found out I was 4 weeks more pregnant than I realised.
But anyway, I digress.
Its funny, looking back.
I started feeling sick before Christmas and Mr pointed out that the only time I felt sick was when I was pregnant. I didn’t have a pregnancy test so I peed on an ovulation test which came back positive. Hmmmmmm could be pregnant, could be ovulating. Still felt sick. And rushed off my feet at work so never got time to go and buy a proper test and then I stopped feeling sick. And thought no more about it in the Christmas rush.
Fast forward to 10 days ago.
Stood up to get off the train at my home station only to have a flood of blood. Enough to soak my trousers to the knees. Not much I could do so got to my car, found a plastic bag and drove home. At home stripped off, looked at the clots in my knickers and knew exactly what had happened.
I mean you do, don’t you?
So I had a bath, had a cry and stood up too soon as I got out of the bath only to have more of the same.
24 hours later I’d been to see the doctor, taken the pregnancy test that showed that I was pregnant but to be honest there seemed no point in going for a scan – my body was doing its job and moving on. So I wallowed for a night. Too much red wine, a good cry and then some horrid cramps as everything sorted itself out.
And so on with life.
Because you know what, after everything we went through with Littler I know this is the right thing. I’m lucky, I never knew until it was almost over that I was pregnant. Its funny to take a pregnancy test knowing that its just confirming that you aren’t pregnant still.
I’m not wailing or sad mostly because nature knows better. Which is not to say that there isn’t a small part of me that is sad – not for a baby that wasn’t really ever anything more than a hope I never knew.
But good things come out of most things.
This has at least crystallised the fact that both Mr and I know that we want another.
Not now but sometime soon.
And maybe it won’t happen, maybe we’ll leave it too late. But you know what, I’m ok with that. And yes I will be making an appointment to see the my acupuncturist just as soon as we get to a place where we’re ready to start thinking about No3 – no point in not making sure that we do this properly.
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