Goodbye Pert Breasts published this post on 7 December 2010...
There are a few things in life that feel great, especially when it comes to bodily functions and practices. Stretching is one of them. Having a really good stretch feels awesome, leaving you feeling limp and satisfied, in some kind of Zen-like state of bliss for a few seconds. However, there are some things that feel great, but result in you being frowned upon by society. This, of course, is wrong; we should all feel free to do what we want in public if it feels good, except – well, y’know, the – thing, I mean – in public, that’s just…wrong. Oh I’m digging myself a hole. On with the show.
5. Sneezing
Now, everyone sneezes; some people make quite a sweet sound when they sneeze, other people make sounds so ridiculous your hand instantly bunches into a fist. Some people pinch their nose when they sneeze and bottle all the pressure up inside, and some will tell you that if you sneeze with your eyes open they’ll pop out. That’s a myth, by the way. I did it once and my eyes are fine.
The kind of sneeze I’m talking about, though, is the sneeze where you just let it all out. There’s no inhibitions, no hand-over-mouth; you just let ‘er rip as hard as you can with enough force to take the front of your face off. Best done in a lift, on the back of someone else’s neck. People don’t like that.
4. Picking Your Nose
We all do it, and those people who say they don’t are lying. I pick my nose all the time, so much so that half the time I don’t even realise I’m doing it. There’s a strange satisfaction to be had when you prod a hooked finger around your nostril and draw out a giant bogie (or ‘booger’, if you’re from across the pond). I’ve never been fishing, but I imagine the feeling is akin to landing your first Marlin.
The one that got away...NOT.
But many people don’t like it. Perhaps the problem isn’t so much the retrieving of the nose-truffle, it’s what the person does with it afterwards. Wrap it in a tissue? Wipe it on your leg? Flick it at the cat? Or, dare I say it…plonk it in your mouth.
3. Picking Your Ears
This has to be one of the best feelings ever. To take a biro, or the handle of a teaspoon, or a cotton bud, and have a good old rub inside your ear is akin to pure ecstasy; an eargasm, if you will. It provokes involuntary reactions: eyelid fluttering, lapse of concentration, instant relaxation…heck, even dogs love it.
Why it feels so good is still a mystery to me, but only because I can’t be bothered to do any research into it. My point is, it feels ace, but you have the same dilemma afterwards about what to do with either the small clod of orangey wax clinging to your fingertip. Whatever you do seems to go down badly with those in the vicinity: perhaps rubbing it into the nearest smooth surface to give it a nice sheen would be the best option.
2. Scratching Your Bum
Picture the scene: you’re in a meeting at work, and you’ve had an itchy bum for about five minutes. It’s past the point where it’s annoying, and it’s now all you can think about. All you see are the mouths of your colleagues moving, but you hear no words; instead, your head is full with ways to sort yourself out. You try the innocuous bum-shuffle: to others, you’re simply shifting position, whereas in reality you’re parting your buttocks just enough to give yourself a handless scratch using the friction of the seat and the inside of your own underwear. But it rarely works.
After the meeting, you dash to the toilet and scratch like you’ve never scratched before, without inhibition, as free as a bird, or something. It feels great. But why do we live in a society where people feel that they can’t scratch their bum in front of someone else? Are we corrupt, or something?!
1. Passing Wind
The ultimate faux pas in public: leaning to one side, whether seated or standing, and letting rip. Animals do it, why shouldn’t we?
I mean, I’m not saying guff your way throughout the day without any feeling for others, especially after a night of curry and sprouts. But there are times when holding in your flatulence almost becomes painful. It’s like, in your obsession with making sure other people don’t hate you, you’re actually committing self-harm. There undoubtedly comes a point where enough is enough, and the grief you get for dropping a toffee becomes overshadowed by the amazing relief you would experience. So you do, and people hate you for it. But who cares? You might alienate your close friends, but at least you’re happy.
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